by Mukti Masih
Some of the best teachings about the Christian walk were given to the very first Christians by an ardent follower of Christ and a single man - Paul. Numerous times we all have been convicted, corrected, encouraged, and rebuked by Paul’s teachings that echoed what Christ would have done or said in certain situations. A single man who followed word by word what God the son and another single man - Jesus - preached and practised.
Yet, how easy it is for modern Christian communities to undermine, and sometimes even question the status and dignity of single men and women. Often single men and women of God are made to feel irrelevant and neglected in the grand scheme of things. I was listening to a podcast once on Billy Graham Evangelistic Association’s Radio programme where two single people discussed how the modern church treats singles. They shared about a church that named its spiritual retreat, “Pairs and spares”, the latter term being for single men and women. Hearing that broke my heart, but I felt its full impact only recently when I experienced it myself.
My family has been on the lookout for the right match for me: asking around family friends, sending my matrimonial profiles on Christian WhatsApp groups, and so on.
This is the way arranged marriage system works in India.
A man or a woman is asked to create their matrimonial profile - it can be a word document or a PDF that contains a small picture of the person, his/her date of birth, height details, Christian denomination (such as Presbyterian, Methodist, Pentecostal), their job details, hobbies, interests, family information (like father, mother, siblings), and educational qualifications. Most of these profiles have little or no scope of a person’s deeper spiritual orientation but contain some superficial information such ‘Born Again Christian’ or ‘Believer’.
Another way arranged marriages happen is through common family friends. Someone would suggest a suitable boy or girl to another family. The mediator person would connect the two families. The two families would meet, let the boy and the girl talk or date for sometime, and then decide to marry.
The first time my father asked me to create such a profile, I wrote one full page of when I accepted Christ, what was God’s vision for me as a single, how God called me to serve the young believers, what was my opinion about marriage and so on. To date, we have not got a single reply on that profile.
So eventually, my parents just simply asked me to create a profile that gave out some very basic details. “Once you talk to the guy, and date him for a while, you will know his spiritual state anyway,” they reasoned. When this family from up North contacted us, my father talked to the boy’s mother first, she sounded like an extremely committed Christian to us. Then my father proceeded to talk to the boy. My father promptly asked the boy to talk to me. He told my father that it was more appropriate that I should talk to his elder sister first. I was disappointed but not surprised, in Indian culture, this was normal.
When the sister called, she asked me directly what was the ‘scope of my profession’. This was her first question: if any emergency situation happened, would your job/career be enough to sustain your family? I am a freelance writer by profession. I answered the question quite politely and confidently. But what followed next just distressed and humiliated me beyond words. She was quite frank about showing her disappointment on the fact that I hadn’t chosen nursing or teaching or any of the STEM fields - engineering, medical, nursing, technology careers. Never once did she ask me why I chose writing. I asked her when her brother had accepted Christ - she had no idea. Neither did she ask me anything about God’s purpose for my life.
In theory, I took it all well - this was not God’s will. Again. No. Again. But it bothered me eventually. A year ago I had got my hopes high for a Christian believer boy. I had asked for God’s will about him in my prayers. God gave that answer this year when the boy broke the news of his engagement to me. The girl he was due to marry had a degree in Science. It all came crashing down. It must be my degree, it must be the choice of my profession - I found myself thinking: Lord, I made a mistake, didn’t I?
I have been heart-broken and disappointed several times before, but this time and for the first time in my believer’s life - I was conflicted about everything:my career choices, being born again, my choice about asking God for His purpose, my choice about serving God, my choice about waiting upon God for a husband. Should I have made the first move in the case of that Christian boy I had liked?
I got a minor anxiety attack a few days later, my family was scared and worried for me. How is this happening to me? This was the point where I began spending more and more time in prayer, searching for verses - for empathy, for promises, for validation, for correction. God still seemed distant somehow.
I turned to the counsel of close Christian friends.
These amazing women of God (one of them being a single girl herself, serving overseas for many years) helped me recall the following things:
1] Seeing Jesus eye to eye
In Beth’s words, “When you meet Jesus for the first time, when you look into His eyes for the first time - you wouldn’t ask him - so why didn’t you give me a husband back on earth?” Regardless of who I was (Indian or African, writer or teacher, man or woman, single or married) or where I was (in India or any other part of the world or culture), God has included me in His Kingdom the day He called me, the day He decided to make me a new person in Him. Have I experienced a new birth? Yes. Have I been transformed once and being transformed every day by the Holy Spirit? Yes. Am I confident that If I die today, I will meet Jesus? Yes. Will Jesus care how I have lived my life back on earth, if I have followed His commandments, if I have walked in the Holy Spirit? Yes. Will Jesus care if I was single or married when he sees me in heaven? No.
2] My talents are God’s
I am God’s daughter, my talents are not mine - they are God’s. When I undermine my talents or my calling, or when I question the life and purpose I am sure God gave me, I undermine God’s gifts and His purpose for my life. These talents are meant to serve my creator. I was created for a purpose. And this ‘I’ includes the talents God gave me.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. [ Psalm 139: 14]
3] Spiritual warfare is good
It’s good to argue, fight and wrestle it out with God. As long as it’s God who I am asking or complaining to or crying to, and running to - it’s good. More than 60% of the Psalms are about distress: believers who were distressed by others, by their own sinful ways, by others’ or their own wickedness, by life in general, by circumstances, by their own friends or spouses. Psalms are really about taking every care, sin, sorrow, pain to God. Jacob wrestled with God [Genesis 32: 22-32]; Moses was constantly in conflict during his relationship with God despite that He had experienced God in various forms more than once [Exodus 24: 5-28]; King David led less than perfect life making atrocious mistakes (the sin with Bathsheba and the indirect murder of her husband Uriah, among other sins) and yet took all his sins and repentance to God [Psalm 51]; the book of Job is all about taking all the frustration and conflicts to God.
4] God uses the broken hearts
Many times, we invite heartbreaks. Many times, God wounds us to make us better, fitter for His purpose. It is okay to be not okay, sometimes. I was reminded of Psalm 51:17 that says - The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; A broken and a contrite heart, O God, You will not despise. Jesus healed people with deformities: mental, emotional, spiritual or physical. His famous eight beatitudes [Matthew 5: 2-12] were meant to be for the naive, the sorrowful, the meek, the broken-hearted, the mourning. In the words of Joni Eareckson Tada, “Suffering is the rule, happiness is the exception.”
After pondering over some of these verses and counsel, I felt confident again in God’s plan. And God, like he had always done before, confirmed my confidence through a series of events.
Event # 1: I went to the usual women’s Bible study (that consisted of three women - a new believer who my friend and I took turns disciplining) one fine Thursday. That specific day, the new believer woman brought three more girls to the Bible study. I got a chance to share God’s promises with these young girls. I was especially encouraged by Deepika who had accepted Christ only a year ago. She shared zealously about how Jesus had taught her during the difficult days of the lockdown.
Lesson: God intended to use me to nurture fellow women.
Event # 2: I blog on www.muktimasih.com. I received a comment by a retired army officer from Mexico. He had recently lost his 78-year-old brother. And one of my poems What will my gravestone say? just somehow comforted him. He wrote about his brother’s life and how some of my blogs brought respite and hope to him.
Lesson: God bestowed the talent of writing to give hope for people looking for it.
I thanked God profusely for these two incidents. They were tangible reminders that God had an intention of using my life for His glory - all along. I read through my old diaries and journal entries and almost laughed at my own trivial thinking: how could I doubt the God who knows every strand of my hair, who calls me by my name?
Fellow singles, your life matters to God, your soul is dear to God.
Don’t let any society, culture or set of values ruin the joys God meant for you to experience. Regardless of the ‘norms’ of any society, we are called for a certain norm: keep trusting in God’s plan. I am practising this today and every day. Happily Single in God as far as He wants, as long as He wants.
Mukti Masih is a freelance writer from Indore, India. She partners with her brother Abhishek in taking the Gospel to their clients, friends, and the youth. The siblings take Bible studies among the young people and produce Gospel Songs in Hindi. Mukti has studied Mass Communication, and she accepted Christ when she was 17
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